Rudy Giuliani Is Our Duke Of The Week (Again)

Rudy Giuliani is a true Renaissance man.

America’s mayor, most beloved Yankees fan, secret Martha Graham — he wears many hats. This week, he decided to dip a dainty toe into the pools of foreign policy and feminism, showing off his knack for contortion as he repeatedly shoved his foot directly into his mouth.

It’s common knowledge that when navigating diplomacy with North Korea, a dangerous state with a history of unpredictability, it’s best to call in top foreign policy experts with a sense of decorum and discreteness.

Enter Rudy Giuliani.

On Wednesday, Giuliani tried his utmost to piss off Kim Jong Un, a leader known the world over for his serenity and phlegmatism.

“Kim Jong Un got back on his hands and knees and begged for it, which is exactly the position you want to put him in,” Giuliani bragged about the rescheduled summit at a conference in Israel. He defended his inflammatory statement, saying it’s critical that Kim knows the power and strength of President Huge Hands for the two to have productive negotiations.

There must have been something in the water in Israel, as Giuliani, ever the over-achiever, refused to go dark lest he miss an opportunity to insult half the world’s population.

He seized his chance with aplomb.

On Thursday, Giuliani, at long last, answered the public’s call for his opinion on women, Stormy Daniels in particular. He took up arms to insist that his boss, a famed connoisseur of taste in everything from scorched steak to elongated haberdashery, would never stoop to sleeping with a porn star.   

“I don’t think there’s a slight suspicion it’s true. Excuse me, but when you look at Stormy Daniels. I know Donald Trump. Look at his three wives,” Giuliani said. “Beautiful women, classy women, women of great substance. Stormy Daniels?” he asked, widening his eyes in disbelief.

“I respect all human beings. I have to respect criminals,” he barreled on. “I’m sorry, I don’t respect a porn star the way I respect a career woman or a woman of substance or a woman who has great respect for herself as a woman and as a person and isn’t going to sell her body for sexual exploitation.”

Giuliani, toting a sterling personal record on respecting career women, definitely has the goods to back up his blabbering.

Who can forget how he cherished his second wife of 20 years, journalist and producer Donna Hanover, in the good old days of the early aughts? After carrying on an affair with another woman for over a year (which he kept secret out of respect!) the then-Mayor decided to leave Hanover (respectfully!) via a press conference without telling her first (cue Aretha Franklin).

The mensch topped this act of integrity by fighting Hanover in court for the right to bring his side squeeze to the governor’s mansion, where Hanson lived with their children.

Fast forward to 2018 when Giuliani declined to apologize for his offensive comments, instead opting for the safer route of telling women what to think and what to feel.

“You’re going to tell me that being involved in pornography isn’t demeaning to women? I don’t know — do you have a daughter?” he asked MSNBC’s Hallie Jackson. “I think most decent women would consider pornography demeaning. They used to!”

Professor Giuliani finished his course on Mansplaining Feminism 101 with a bang, telling women who support the porn industry to turn in their feminist credentials.

For doing the most and being good at none of it, Rudy Giuliani is our Duke of the Week.

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