"Oh, there was another mass shooting. It seems like that happens every time we're off for a week. Or when we're working for a week," he said on Monday's show. "Actually, it pretty much happens every f*cking week."
Stewart ticked off major mass shootings from Columbine and Virginia Tech to Aurora and Newtown, then pointed out that after each one, someone came up with the "crazy idea" to do something to prevent further massacres but didn't follow through.
"But it was a nice sentiment. It's like offering to help your friend move, when you know your friend is never gonna take you up on it," he said, "because he's got a weird, almost psychotic thought that if only the Jews had had apartments, and Hitler hadn't taken their apartments, the Holocaust may never have happened."
Still, the "real victims" of mass shootings are the news networks who have to go through the motions of covering "these inevitable, clearly unstoppable, every day, ordinary, soul-destroying slaughters," Stewart said. So he closed out with a Pharrell-soundtracked coverage guide for the media to tackle them and "get everybody back to apathy as quickly as possible."
Watch below, courtesy of Comedy Central: