It’s time to contemplate 2024’s biggest freaks, as we gather around one last time before the new year to celebrate those who sucked the most shamelessly, who grifted the most elegantly, who were the most sophisticated in their betrayal of public trust.
As is tradition, the losers are the winners.
There were a handful of repeat offenders in some categories this winter, but for the most part the winners you selected in each category were either newcomers who saw their political star ascend during 2024’s election cycle — or under-the-radar old faithfuls who let their freak flags fly in entirely new and creative ways this year.
The hosts of The Josh Marshall Podcast, TPM’s Josh Marshall and Kate Riga, announced the winners of this year’s Golden Dukes live on the podcast. Watch as the envelopes are unsealed and winners unveiled or peruse the results of our annual commemoration of the year’s most radiant rats below:
Best Scandal – General Interest
Winner – John Roberts & the conservative justices [51.6% of the vote]
- 2nd place – Elon Musk [15%]
- 3rd place [tie] – Donald Trump [14.2%]
- 3rd place [tie] – Bob “Gold Bars” Menendez [14.2%]
- 5th place – The billionaire owners of the WashingtonPost & the LA Times [5%]
The Takes [edited for clarity]
Josh: “I have to say, they earned it. I think I agree with the Academy on this one.”
Kate: “If you want to take the more traditional scandal lens to this choice, I think the voters might have been thinking particularly of the Alito flag scandal, the Clarence Thomas billionaire stuff. Obviously, [the Court is] scandalous, kind of writ large, in terms of being fairly illegitimate. But you know, in terms of active, old-school scandal … they’ve been dipping their toes in that as well.
Best Scandal — Sex & Generalized Carnality
Winner – Matt Gaetz [39.2% of the vote]
- 2nd place – Mark Robinson’s Black Nazi Pornhub account [28.3%]
- 3rd place – The Ziegler Moms for Liberty swingin’threesome [26.1%]
- 4th place – RFK Jr.’s Many, Many Affairs [6.4%]
The Takes [edited for clarity]
Josh: “Matt Gaetz. Interesting, interesting. I have to say my favorite was the Ziegler’s. That to me is open and shut and I do feel like if we were closer to that scandal, they would have really been in contention here.”
Kate: “Yeah, my winner, I think, would have probably been Mark Robinson … but the people have spoken, it’s Matt Gaetz … My favorite, quote unquote, favorite chapter of the Matt Gaetz thing was when, I think it was Markwayne Mullen was on TV, and he was talking about how Gaetz would just show off nudes on the floor. And everyone would be like, ‘Great, Matt.’ Like, what are you expecting? What do you want? It is really funny to me, this idea that he’s scampering around like a puppy, being like, ‘guys, guys, look.’ And everyone’s like, ‘Cool. Congrats. Get away from me.’”
Best Scandal — Local Venue
Winner – Kristi Noem, Dog Killer [39.1% of the vote]
- 2nd place – Ryan Walters [29.8%]
- 3rd place – Eric Adams [27.2%]
- 4th place – Anthony D’Esposito [4%]
The Takes [edited for clarity]
Josh: “I’m vindicated because, despite the recency issue, it’s so strong that she won. Right? It’s just stand-out. It’s stand-out.
Kate: “Kristi Noem I think deserves it for outing herself. The only reason we know this happened is because she wrote about it in her book. My personal favorite part of this passage where she murdered all these animals on the same day is that there was a team of construction workers nearby who could see and were apparently looking over with horrified looks on their faces while she was doing that, which I kind of enjoy because the whole framing of this anecdote is supposed to be: I’m South Dakota tough. I don’t fuck around. I take care of what needs to be taken care of. And then you’ve got these hard, rough and tumble South Dakota construction dudes who are like, ‘What the fuck is going on?’”
Meritorious Achievement in the Crazy
Winner – RFK Jr., killer of various wildlife [47.5% of the vote]
- 2nd place – Rudy Giuliani [32.9%]
- 3rd place – Nancy Mace’s anti-trans crusade [11%]
- 4th place – Russell Vought [8.6%]
The Takes [edited for clarity]
Kate: “He had the bear, he had the whale, he had the brain worm. But the bear was really special because … every detail he adds in the story is increasingly bizarre. He starts out, ‘We found the bear. I wanted to cook it up. That’s just kind of the hick in me.’ And it’s like, who are you fooling? You are a Kennedy. And then he says, ‘You know, but we had to go to Peter Luger’s. So I had to drop off the bear because I was going to the airport from Peter Lugar’s.’ What schedule is this? Why is this your evening?”
‘I’m Going To Trump’s Cabinet And I’m Bringing …’
Winner – Pete Hegseth [39.1% of the vote]
- 2nd place – RFK Jr. [29.2%]
- 3rd place – Tulsi Gabbard [24.9%]
- 4th place – Linda McMahon [6.8%]
The Takes [edited for clarity]
Josh: “RFK Jr. could get any of these. So I guess that makes sense.”
Kate: “It’s objectively really funny that he’s going around Congress and they’re asking him about his drinking habits. We haven’t seen this since Brett Kavanaugh was before the Senate Judiciary Committee and he did his whole: ‘Yeah, I like beer. So what? I have a beer every now and then. Yeah, I black out sometimes. What’s the problem?’ You know, it’s nice to have that in the discourse again.”
Best Scandal — World-Wide Wingnutery
Winner – Tucker Carlson [31.7% of the vote]
- 2nd place – Yoon Suk Yeol [27%]
- 3rd place – Javier Milei [16.1%]
- 4th place – Jair Bolsonaro [13.5%]
- 5th place – Princess Gloria von Thurn und Taxis [11.7%]
The Takes [edited for clarity]
Josh: “I guess I was wrong calling him a dark horse.”
Kate: “The heel turn from being fired by Fox News … that we have not seen a true explanation for … to the kind of pathetic Twitter Space interviews with Catturd. I’ll never forget … And then the additional heel turn where he’s become kind of a Russian stooge and goes to grocery stores in Moscow. And then try[ing] to do symbiosis with [Putin] on the right-wing talking points … It’s been an interesting couple of years for our boy Tucker.
Congrats to TPM for being outstanding in the field…lots of muck in that there field.
Oh, first!
So many POSs; so few awards.
RFK Jr’s nomination in three categories should receive a meritorious achievement special award.
Seeing that there were winners who got less than 50% of the votes, I’d like to see ranked choice voting for the next round of Golden Dukes to better express the will of the people.
RFK Jr. rocks, man. I cannot wait to see what new dumbfuckery he gets up to next year.