Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones declared on July 1 that Democrats were planning to launch a second Civil War on Independence Day, a claim no more ridiculous than many he’s spewed, but one which, thankfully, spurred the #SecondCivilWarLetters hashtag.
Twitter users mocked Jones’ prediction with some alternative history of their own, including dispatches from Fort Red Pill, the 42nd Bisexual Brigade and elsewhere along the potential battlefield.
Here are the best of the “letters”:
My Dear John,
The war isn't going as planned. Our supply trucks are limited. I'm out of wine and sunscreen. The enemy burned all the books and there is no place to recharge my Kindle. The only music is an old CD of Justin Bieber. – All is lost. #secondcivilwarletters
— Amanda Blount (@amandablount2) July 2, 2018
We here in Austin TX have been surrounded by MAGA troops on all sides. Gen. Willie has many thousand troops at the 360 Amphitheater in guise of a 4th of July Picnic. They are readying to battle Gen. Sessions concerning cannibis crops. #secondcivilwarletters pic.twitter.com/zUGgVMIbXo
— Christopher Gardner (@friskyintellect) July 4, 2018
We have taken Fort Red Pill. I write you now amidst the ashes of burnt Boondocks Saints DVDs. The air is thick with vape oil. Truly this war has pit brother against brother-in-law.#SecondCivilWarLetters
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) July 4, 2018
Our troops heading towards the enemy lines. May they go with God.
War is hell.
— Sarah Blaskey (@GrnEydBlnd) July 4, 2018
Dear Mother, fear not. The Red Hats are large in voice but weak in number.
The potato salad is holding strong despite the heat. It must be all the thoughts & prayers.
— Action Together NJ07 (@ATNJ07) July 4, 2018
My unit, the 42nd Bisexual Brigade, has raided Hobby Lobby for supplies. We came away with all the useful craft supplies & left behind the giant crosses. Mission went well as the MAGAs do not believe we exist & refused to acknowledge us.
— jade 🌴 (@cranky_tiger) July 4, 2018
My dearest rose,
There are but few places in this heathen field for a man to charge his iPad. Worse, I fear you must imagine the lunch I am having, as the Instagrams is down.
Heath X Buford, 1st Hipster Batallion, The Fighting Kale Wraps#SecondCivilWarLetters
— Heath Harper (@heath_harper) July 4, 2018
The teachers’ brigade presses on! Our English Grammar division joins forces with Webster’s militia to take the fight to the Ignorance Irregulars. We hope our contribution to the war effort will be appreciated.
Send 3-ring binders!#secondcivilwarletters
— Joseph Beamon (@MrBeamonScience) July 4, 2018
There were also a few flops.
Yesterday, we took the Starbucks and burned it. Now we find we have no air conditioning or wifi, and I write this to you on the last piece of toilet paper. I shall write to you no more. Remember me as I was: a gender nonbinary biped!#secondcivilwarletters
— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) July 3, 2018