Jon Stewart To Cain: Blame GOP For Your Pickle

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November 10, 2011 5:12 am
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The Herman Cain sexual harassment scandal has entered a new phase: the former Godfather’s Pizza CEO has gone from denying the claims, to refusing to address them, to holding a press conference in Arizona to speak about them in third person. Cain tried to squelch the scandal in one key phrase: “I have never acted inappropriately with anyone, period,” Cain said.

“Actually, that’s a solid denial,” Jon Stewart said on Wednesday. “It’s really what the guy should have been saying all along.” But luckily for Cain, there’s still one person in his corner: his wife, who Cain says told him the sexual harassment allegations don’t sound like him at all!“What kind of marriage would you have, that when you get accused of putting your hands up other women’s skirts, your wife goes, ‘that is so you.’ … She’s your wife, of course she doesn’t know you do that shit! I bet your wife doesn’t know your internet browser has a clear history button on it.”

Cain, during his press conference, pivoted from volunteering to take a lie detector test to blaming the “Democratic machine” for bringing forth a “troubled woman.” Well, lucky for us, Stewart happened to have one of those Democratic machines laying around. “It costs billions of dollars, it runs on solar energy and it turns hope into disappointment,” Stewart said. But really, he added, Cain will have to do better than just blame Democrats for the scandal.

“Herman Cain, if you want to blame a political party for you having to address the sexual harassment claims, blame the Republicans,” Stewart said. “Because you’re only getting this level of scrutiny because you’re the front-runner. And you’re only the front-runner because you’re up against the keystone conservatives. The only people who haven’t led this field so far are the so-called reasonable one and the one who’s name is synonymous with ass juice.”

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