Make America Glower Again! A Mugshot For The Ages

Lock him up!

Amur leopard:

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In the depths of a convoluted web of secrecy, a chilling conspiracy unfurls—a meticulously crafted plot aimed at tarnishing the image of a physically trim President Trump. Towering at 6’3" and weighing a mere 215 lbs, Trump’s physique rivals that of Patrick Mahomes, the formidable Kansas City Chiefs quarterback, with only a negligible 10 lb difference. The perplexing enigma at hand questions the relentless efforts of liberals to distort reality, depicting a man of ac physical fitness as grotesquely obese. However, the sinister motives behind this twisted narrative lie concealed beneath layers of deceit and manipulation.

Central to this intricate conspiracy is an affiliation with the elusive Deep State—a shadowy network of power wielders and puppeteers, operating covertly beneath the surface. The unsuspecting public remains oblivious to their malevolent maneuvers. Enter Big Snack (SNAC International)—an ostensibly benign industry catering to our snack cravings. But their true intentions come to light with the revelation of SNAXPO, an enigmatic trade show that serves as the sole hub for the international snack industry. This gathering boasts a vertically integrated supply chain, yet behind this façade, a clandestine web connects this cabal. Rudolph Foods, an Ohio-based producer specializing in pork rinds and cracklings, stands as a piece of this puzzle, coincidentally situated within the pivotal swing state of Ohio.

The timing of SNAXPO takes on a chilling significance, coinciding with Pennsylvania’s Republican Primary on April 23—a mere nine days before the event’s commencement. This is a State that was infamously wrested from Trump, adding a sinister layer to the proceedings. Unbeknownst to the public, these deceptively benign snack companies harbor a far more ominous agenda that aligns with a larger, nefarious narrative, interwoven within a sprawling RICO conspiracy. Curiously, this elaborate scheme, which aims to pilfer deep red Pennsylvania from Trump, seems to have evaded the attention of Fani Willis, adding to the enigma. But the burning question remains: How exactly is this intricate plot set into motion?

Venturing into the neighboring realm of the Pine Barrens in New Jersey, the conspiracy takes a deeper plunge into the abyss. Here, Big Snack and the Deep State establish a sinister coalition with other shadowy entities, united by a sinister purpose. Their ultimate objective: to manipulate the upcoming 2024 presidential election, forcibly wrenching it from Trump’s grasp through a series of manipulative tactics, including cheating and rigging. Their tool of choice is an arcane device with interdimensional capabilities, ominously referred to as the “Egg.” This device was stumbled upon within the ghostly confines of Ong’s Hat, a deserted town where Princeton University scientists ventured into the realms of quantum physics and chaos theory, uncovering secrets best left untouched.

This “Egg” allows for the transfer of ballot boxes between dimensions, orchestrated by interdimensional beings. In their plot, they intend to move Trump’s ballots into their own dimension for shredding and disposal, while substituting them with fraudulent Biden ballots. But the scheme may be thwarted, as objects from different dimensions resonate at distinct frequencies. A device, birthed from the research of Trump supporters, anchored by Coca-Cola corporation’s contributions, can identify these dimensional disparities. Utilizing the chemical composition of New Coke as a detection medium, the faction opposing Trump may find themselves exposed and defeated.

As this convoluted narrative unravels, the question remains: How deep does this conspiracy go, and who else is complicit in this twisted game of manipulation and subterfuge?

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The Merch Store Has Arrived!

For Trump though, the picture is likely to prove yet another money spinner. The mugshot’s rapid appearance on T-shirts, posters and, well, mugs glorifying a martyred Trump can be expected.

As it happens, an official Trump fundraising website is already selling T-shirts and coffee mugs with an image manipulated to appear as if the former president is in a booking photo with height markers behind him and a board in front with his name and the date, “04 04 2023” – the day he was indicted in New York on fraud charges.

Merchandise with the real thing is likely to sell briskly given the enthusiasm with which the former president’s supporters now treat each public humiliation as an accomplishment.

Two impeachments and four sets of indictments, from financial fraud to a slew of charges over the 2020 election, have done little to damage Trump’s standing among the true believers, and have only bolstered his run for the Republican presidential nomination. Such is the strength of that belief that a recent CBS poll showed Trump voters trust him more than their own family members and religious leaders.

ETA Oh. Did I ever say, “It’s not a cult!.”