Susie Bright Votes: The 2012 Golden Duke Awards

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December 28, 2012 6:00 a.m.
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Susie Bright is feminist sex writer and Editor at Large at Audible.com.

Best Scandal — General Interest

Susie Bright chooses Mitt Romney

The Petraeus Ménage was good trampy Tampa fun, the kind of Snooki chew-toy spectacle that makes adultery an eternal crowd-pleaser.

But as the Onion put it, the latest Pentagon Romp was simply the pinched-turd coda to a “Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal.”

I don’t want to give brass-fed monkeys a trophy for a sex scandal while the blood still drips from their hands.

Instead, I’m going to make Mitt Romney the winner he never wanted to be.

Romney’s candid camera moment proved that he considers half this country little more than those people, you people– or, as it came to be known, The 47%.

Gov. Pouty-Face didn’t mind whinging to his BFFs (Billionaire Fuckers Forever) during his run– no, he believed bragging about one’s class resentment was the perfect campaign cocktail.

If only he’d been born Mexican! Richie Rombot could be drinking Red Bull with a bourbon chaser, feet up at the Oval Office.

I’m afraid Tagg Romney is right when he says his father really didn’t want to be a President. The man is a bitter, grouchy, temple-dwelling creature with a heart “two sizes too small”– and the worst poster boy capitalism ever slapped on a flagpole.

Best Scandal — Sex and Generalized Carnality

Susie Bright chooses Paul Babeu

For me, carnality is not enough– I want to see evidence of hypocrisy, grotesque self-loathing, psycho-sadistic manipulation. Luckily, in America, that’s not asking for much.

In this spirit, I want to honor the huevos grandes of Arizona Sheriff Paul Babeu, who freely employed anti-Mexican racism and homophobic theatrics to propel his political career, all the while obsessed with his secret Mexican man-lover.

After Babeu exploited his boyfriend, José Orozco, to the point of ennui (“Do my web site. Now blow me. Now fix my Facebook Page”) Sheriff Papi-Pants threatened his lover with deportation. He wrote– by email– that he’d seriously hurt the man’s family if the truth ever came out. Too bad he didn’t use invisible ink! Crack this bigot wide open and hang the Duke around his neck.

Best Scandal — Local Venue

Susie Bright chooses: the DC City Council

What must it be like to live in a city where you can’t imagine a single one of your city representatives who doesn’t make Al Capone look like a choir boy?

Not a light-switch gets flipped in DC without a pay-off, not one civic deed is performed without the most florid malfeasance.

The federal establishment treats the District like a dim protectorate, sitting in the shadow of the Congress that denies it voting rights. DC’s politics are stunted because it is disenfranchised, starved for democracy. Everything shameful flows from that predicament, including the never-ending cast of Bad Daddies wearing paper crowns.

Meritorious Achievement in The Crazy

Susie Bright chooses: Donald Trump

Merit in this category is always a crowded field, but in 2012, the job description itself seems inadequate.

Rep. Todd Aikin, for example, is not probably not “crazy”— he’s part of a legion of deliberately ignorant misogynists who ran their campaigns on the ideology that sluts and dark savages are ruining this country. Yes, such platforms do indicate a lapse in mental health, but when we peek under the rape-deniers’ blanket, we find its leaders are cynics, not lunatics.

The same goes for climate-deniers. These propagandists need an award all to themselves.

To be respectful to the true spirit of Crazy, the Lifetime Fruitcake of Delusional Pottiness, we must bow to Donald Trump, who can’t open his mouth without a few screws flying out of his pompadour. His own family hides under their beds to daydream about the possibilities of involuntary commitment.

You win, Donnie, you win it all. There’s not enough glue in all the slot machines in Jersey to put you back together again.

Biggest Campaign Freakout

Susie Bright chooses: John Sununu

Romney’s whole campaign staff reminded me of a bunch of elderly Cotillion ladies who “get the vapors” after watching one too many screenings of Mandingo. Their pacemakers are battery-powered by racist adrenaline. “The Black Bogeyman” stalks them in their feverish naps. If their precious white vase of self-delusion ever tumbles, I don’t know how they’re going to put Humpty together again.

Most Hilariously Wrong Campaign Prediction

Susie Bright chooses Karl Rove for his election night meltdown

I don’t call this a meltdown, I call it: Performance Art. Marina Abramovic and Chris Burden can only look on in awe.

Shooting yourself in the foot as the rest of the world watches in horror and gratuitous exhilaration? –Rove took it to a whole new level. I expect an Art Forum cover story in the Spring: the Why Cats Paint? of performance politics.

Most Over-The-Top Campaign Ad

Susie Bright chooses Pete Hoekstra for an ad featuring an Asian-American actress speaking in broken English against Debbie Stabenow

Significant press time was devoted to the GOP’s gratuitous election racism toward Mexicans and African Americans.

But the invisible story in the mainstream media was the endless Yellow Fever diatribes that came out of Republican candidates’ mouths, whether it was silly Mr. Hoeskstra, or Romney’s wild-eyed exclamations about compulsive “Chinese cheaters” during his televised presidential debate.

You can’t say the GOP lost the Asian vote, because they never even considered it. Anyone– from any background– who’s been tarred with the “Oriental brush,” knew that these conservative candidates considered “them” to be something less than human, regardless of class or education.

Japanese internment camps, anyone? That’s what crossed my mind– and ugly history crossed the mind of every sensitive voter who witnessed these stink-bomb ads and speeches.

Pete Hoekstra’s got a special hot Duke seat waiting for him in Hades, ‘specially embroidered by Charlie Chan and Suzie Wong.

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