Lizz Winstead Votes: The 2012 Golden Duke Awards

December 28, 2012 6:09 a.m.
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Lizz Winstead is a popular American comedian, co-creator of The Daily Show and author of: “Lizz Free Or Die: Essays”

Best Scandal — General Interest

I think most people would choose Mitt and his disgust for the 47% as the best scandal of the year, but honestly, up until that point in the campaign he had spent so much time showing his disdain for the rest of us, that the only thing “scandalous” about this speech was up that he didn’t just buy air time on all the major networks and make it directly to the nation.

The Jesse Jackson Junior, or as nobody likes to call him, “Triple J” debacle initially had promise, because it’s usually super fun when a politician disappears and comes back with some amazing tales of Johnny SpreadMySeed hiking the Appalachian Trail type stories, but Triple J’s scandal felt like a he was standing on a very lose rock on his own fiscal and emotional cliff and he doesn’t need me to remind him of how high the fall may be.

And I ruled out GSA and The Secret Service, as they both seemed like milk toast hookers and taxpayer funded parties that made “50 Shades of Grey” seem like erotica. I need Roman orgy level detail if I am gonna pick a group scandal. I want diaries and lurid emails and twins! If there is a set of twins in your scandal, you almost automatically get the win in my book.

So obviously, I had no choice but to give The Golden Duke in the category for Best Scandal General Interest to Ashley Madison poster boy David Petraeus, because not only did he bless us with twins, he got extra credit for providing us with the phrase ” Unpaid Social Liaison” and if there is one thing I am a sucker for in a scandal, (besides a set of hot twins) it’s a new euphemism.

It’s also not every day that a scandal defies the laws of physics.

To this day you still can’t fit a square peg in a round hole, but the good General showed us it’s possible to fit a love triangle in a Pentagon.


Best Scandal — Sex and Generalized Carnality

Ok, this one is easy for me. I chose my winner based on whose scandal would have the best Lifetime Movie title. It could have been Petraeus with “Foggy Bottoms” but I gave Petraeus The Golden Duke in the general scandal category so I wanted to spread the awards around a bit.

And I did amuse myself at the thought of calling the Secret Service movie “Red Light District of Columbia” but it still was not my fav.

Oh, and Amy Koch; you’ll get yours, just not yet.

So my pick for The Golden Duke in sex and General Carnality based on my favorite Lifetime movie name that would result from said carnal indiscretions goes to Scott DesJarlais, an anti choice crusader, who supported his wife’s, two abortions, and pressured his mistress to have an abortion, and won reelection, get’s the awesome movie title,
“Terminator 3”.

Best Scandal — Local Venue

Ok I am basing my Golden Duke choice for this category solely on who had the best Google search when I was looking for more details.

Triple J is out for me, Paul Babeu should self deport his own tired self, and I was at a loss at some of the other nominees, especially DC choice.

I mean seriously, when hasn’t DC’s City Council behaved like some kind of low budget sequel to “Lord Of The Flies?”

I didn’t think anything would top Patrick Moran’s Google search because when I typed in Patrick- Moran- Scandal, details of his weirdass domestic abuse incident came up instead of his creepy voter fraud tape that I was actually looking for.

Bonus? Not so much.

Not to mention, aside from The Hill, It took me 2 pages before I found Moran’s story on a non “Show me the Birth Certificate” obsessed website.

If there is a “bonus,” in any of this, it is the comments section of The Hill article.

Then I thought, “Amy Koch? Whatevs. Just another, “Marriage is between one man and one woman” hypocrite caught in the act.” I figured she was nominated because of the novelty aspect of an anti gay GOP crusader winding up having an affair with someone of the opposite sex.

But then a light bulb went off in my head. I am from Minnesota and had a glimmer of a recollection about Amy’s Luvah so I began frantically Googling, Amy Koch affair with guy in chicken suit.

I remembered correctly!

Not only is she one of those Man /Woman zealots, she’s a man/woman/chicken suit zealot.

Yep- the guy she was opposite sexing with outside of her marriage, which I guess didn’t threaten the sanctity of her marriage because he is straight- or something, well that guy, he dressed up in a chicken suit and crashed Democratic campaign events.

And now he was fired for clucking his boss.

She resigned.

The rest of clucking jokes will be yours to make up.

And the Chik-Fil-Amy jokes.

Congratulations Amy, you are my choice for The Golden Duke in the Local Venue category.

Meritorious Achievement in The Crazy

This one is all Todd Akin.

Paul Broun fights the concept of evolution because there is a very good chance it passed him by, and Trump and Jan Brewer, well same, actually.

And whatever that thing was Clint Eastwood did at the Republican convention, it was one whip up his ass shy of an NEA grant. It was weird, but it wasn’t Akin.

There just isn’t much one can do to top making a statement that if a women is legitimately raped, you know, a rape that came honestly, well Todd Akin says that woman, she has magic powers to “shut that whole thing down,” like some kind of “As-Seen-On-TV” vagina that’s also a garage door opener and a flashlight.

Todd Akin is hands down the only legitimate winner of This Golden Duke.

Biggest Campaign Freakout

This award could go to all of them. There was so much false outrage in this category.
First off, stop putting Honey Sununu on television. It’s starting to seem like abuse.

News flash: Ann Romney didn’t work outside the home; they sold stocks to get by in college remember? She has a horse that uses more expensive shampoo than you do and when she’s home, that is at one of her 6 homes, she drives around in a couple of Cadillac, unless the elevator in the garage is broken in which case she has to make the Herculean climb up the stairs to gain access to one of them which is when her life becomes some kind of Steinbeck Odyssey that cries out for Dorthea Lange photos. Photos that could have been included in Mitt’s reminder binder since apparently, he didn’t come across any qualified women in his 8 years at Harvard, or at Bain Capital or running the Olympics. Didn’t meet a one. Sad really.

So for my pick for The Golden Duke for “Biggest Campaign Freak out,’ I am going with the ridiculous, harping on Obama’s “You didn’t build that” comment for a few reasons.

One, because you actually built your convention around that, not realizing it sounded more like a tantrum, than a rallying cry. And two, you didn’t build that alone. It’s a premise that carries about as much weight as a spine made of balsa wood.

Mitt- If people were out there “building that” by themselves, explain why there are 150, million people on Linked In?

Ask one of the 47% to tell you about Linked In. Hint: It’s job porn for the “Takers”.

Most Hilariously Wrong Campaign Prediction

I am going with the election night melt down, or what I came to call it, “The Night They Rove Old Dixie Down.”

Everyone I know turned the channel over to Fox the second President Obama was declared the winner just to watch the sad explosion, and it didn’t disappoint. Like the disastrous results watching your entire 4th of July fireworks display explode on the ground, it was all I could have hoped for. I watched with a joyously cringing as the Rove ideas and investments circled the drain of relevance like the unwanted hairs of that first good leg shave of the summer.

Your Jennifer Rubins and your Jim Cramers, they forever wonder aloud just to hear themselves talk, and poor Dick Morris will sadly be sent back to the Island of Misfit Pundits.
The Hindenrove explosion was my clear winner of The Golden Duke in the category of Most Hilariously Wrong Campaign Predictions.

Most Over-The-Top Campaign Ad

My Pick?

Jeep, Jeep M’ Jeep Jeep yeah!

I should just end it there because the other nominees are about as far behind the winner as Chris Christie in a 5K with everyone one else he would run against.

Oh shut up. I can’t do a 2012 review without one Chris Christie fat joke.

Look at it as your way of justifying your smug superiority that you would never make one. Anywho.

Newt has dropped so many turds in the punch bowl that it shouldn’t even be called a Punch bowl anymore. No one cares what Baby Spewy has to say about Romney or Bain or zoos or outsourcing black children’s janitor jobs to moon colonies or whatever the fuck Newt had dreamt up in his reality on Planet Wife Swap.

In my book, there is simply one clear winner when one of your nominees doubled, then tripled down on a lie, basically creating a 7-layer salad of bullshit.

And as I close, I need to correct one point I made previously in this piece. Romney’s relentless and anemic attempts at showing his authenticity and his ugly, revealing pronouncements about hard working Americans, inspired people to stand nine hours in line to vote, even after Barack Obama was declared the victor, just so they could vote against his vision for an America already driven into the ground by the 1% who have crushed the American dream by shipping jobs overseas.

Yep Mitt, You Built that.

And to quote the Countess LuAnn De Lesseps, ” Money Can’t Buy You Class” But Mitt, the way you view it as a human value, can buy you my vote for The Golden Duke.

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