Jacob Wohl Is Our Duke Of The Week

When I was little, I was convinced that someone in my family was reading my diary. I wove a strand of my hair through the pages, dusted baby powder on the cover (for fingerprints, obviously) and peppered the pages with false entries, all the easier to catch the criminal in the act should he or she bring up one of my red herrings in conversation.

Believe it or not, there was a plot out of Washington D.C. this week even dumber than that.

Tweedledee and Tweedledum, also known as Trump twitter personality Jacob Wohl and GOP lobbyist/conspiracy theorist Jack Burkman, decided to set what now looks like an oafish trap for special counsel Robert Mueller, square of jaw and up of standing.

The mess started when Wohl, the wunderkind of failing really young yet suffering not a dent to the ego, started promoting a salacious story from his “media sources” that would reveal a “credible” rape allegation against Mueller.

Now, keep in mind, Wohl would be the very first to admit that he is never one to believe the alleged victims of crimes, but — totally divorced from the politics of the situation, of course — this time, he’s the world’s biggest ally!

At that point, reporters, including TPM’s, started discussing an extremely odd email that many of them had received, in which a woman identifying herself as Lorraine Parsons claims to have been offered money by Burkman to cook up a false allegation against Mueller. In one of many odd footnotes to this odd story, no reporter was able to get Parsons on the phone or even confirm that she exists. 

Burkman denied know anything about those emails or the allegations in them, but quickly segued into teasing his sexual assault allegation bombshell. What’s more, the man behind multiple spectacularly failed (and humiliating) attempts to buy 15 minutes of fame with ridiculous lies offered proof of credibility: an intelligence firm that was helping him investigate the claims.

And as one can assume that any intelligence firm that Burkman could find to help him out would surpass the credibility of a man who has worked in heavily vetted positions (including FBI director) since before his hair turned gray, everyone just took him at his word.

Not. Surefire Intelligence (cute) turned out to be as fake and laughable as Wohl’s finance career. The LinkedIn profiles of its “employees” are actually doctored photos of actors and models (because it’s bound to look more believable if everyone is hot, right?)

And the crème de la crème of the company, the top dog, the head honcho, Matthew Cohen, who was specifically partnering with Burkman, looked a little familiar! Because it was Jacob Wohl! The very person who initially claimed to have no connection whatsoever to the fake intel shop.

And that’s not the only Wohl connection — the phone number listed for Surefire Intelligence, the supposed contact of all the various foreign and domestic bureaus, led back to one place: (It’s almost too sad to say) Jacob Wohl’s MOM’S HOUSE.

It only gets sadder and dumber from there. Wohl claimed that the Mueller accuser fled from him in the airport (who can blame the lady), thus missing the train wreck press conference he hauled reporters into.

For this — MOM! I’m trying to write! I’ll clean my room later, promise! — epic swing and unmitigated miss, Jacob Wohl is our Duke of the Week.