House Republicans Insist Investigations Aren’t About Hunter Biden While Talking Exclusively About Hunter Biden

UNITED STATES - JUNE 22: Ranking member Rep. James Comer, R-Ky., right, and Rep. Jim Jordan, R-Ohio, attend a House Oversight and Reform Committee hearing (Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images)

Key soon-to-be House Republican committee chairs, flanked by members with funereal expressions and unintelligible visual aids, unveiled their big investigatory plans for January: something something Hunter Biden. 

For those not well-versed in the rabbit holes of the right’s Hunter Biden fixation, the “crimes” were a bit hard to follow. 

Rep. James Comer (R-KY), who will soon be in charge of the Oversight Committee, swung from one accusation to the next, as committee members shuffled back and forth to clear sightlines to the arresting poster boards. 

As every good investigator knows, the best way to convince an audience of the severity of the crimes committed is to present them in a language most of the assembled people don’t read. 

You could practically hear reporters start to salivate as he crescendoed on the ever-titillating phrases “direct equity holder,” “PowerPoint presentation,” “keys to his new office space.” 

After delivering the phrase “human trafficking” three times in quick succession, at helpfully high volume, Comer berated the crowd — hey now, this is not about the prostitute he accidentally mentioned multiple times. 

“I dont want this to be about the prostitute,” Comer said humbly. “Here’s the thing: Hunter Biden isn’t this innocent guy that just got a bad rap because he had a drug problem and Republicans don’t need to waste any time on Hunter Biden — we’re not trying to prove that Hunter Biden is a bad actor, he is,” he said, adding what should have been obvious from the past 20 minutes: “Our investigation is about Joe Biden.” 

So Hunter Biden is a drug addicted human trafficker, but Republicans don’t need to bother doing a 33-minute press conference detailing his supposed sins because THIS ISN’T ABOUT HIM GODDAMNIT, it’s just about his prostitute and his white collar crimes and his general suckishness. Got it?!  

Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) stepped in for an assist, helpfully coatless, the better to flap around a Politico article print-out. In his auctioneer’s cadence, he reminded the crowd that Republicans also have many a bone to pick with the FBI, the newest chapter of their enduring, unshakeable support for American law enforcement. 

As reporters tried to shift the conversation to reports that Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) and others extracted a promise from Kevin McCarthy that Republicans would investigate the conditions Jan. 6 insurrectionists were held in, Comer desperately tried to wrench the conversation back on track: “If we can keep it about Hunter Biden, this is kind of a big deal we think” he squeakily implored, a crafty twist on the old “this is not about Hunter Biden” chestnut. 

Comer offered Jordan the mic back to round things off, but Jordan opted to stump out with the rest of the silent committee. He’s saving his fire for investigations “more serious” than this bombshell probe into Hunter Biden’s existence, per CNN.

But what could possibly be more serious than this? 

“I don’t want this to be about the prostitute!” Comer insisted to reporters on his way out of the room. 

Why is that so hard for people to grasp?!

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