TPM’s Duke Of Dukes: The Quarterfinals

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December 17, 2020 6:16 p.m.

The last round of matches was a bloodbath. Perhaps most notably, the expected champ of the “Sorry For (Tea) Partying” region, Rob Ford, was absolutely demolished by an underdog, Dinesh D’Souza. Our tight Tristate Area match-up between Anthony Weiner and Chris Christie saw Weiner squeak through. And another tight match between the armed Dick Cheney and Jack Abramoff saw Abramoff, a legend, gunned down by the former VP.

Now we land in interesting territory — the quarterfinals, which will determine the winner for each region.

You will decide.

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The Match-ups!

The OGs: (1) Duke Cunningham vs. (3) Scooter Libby

Winning more than 88 percent of the vote, Duke Cunningham beat out James Traficant by a landslide, putting the OG Golden Duke legatee — lava lamps and all — in a head-to-head match up with Scooter Libby, another popular contender among the 3,000 of you who voted in the last round. Libby — the notorious Bush-era chief of staff convicted for obstruction of justice but promptly granted clemency before he could flip on his former White House colleagues — demolished Jeff Gannon with 77 percent of the vote.

Shoot Your Shot: (2) Rod Blagojevich vs. (4) Dick Cheney

The disgraced former governor of Illinois remains a fan favorite, beating out Mark Foley, infamous for his homophobia despite his flirtatious texts to pages, with 62 percent of the vote. Now we’ll know what behavior readers hate more — shooting your friend in the face and forcing that friend to apologize or selling the Senate seat of the first Black man elected as president.

Sorry For (Tea) Partying: (2) Anthony Weiner vs. (4) Dinesh D’Souza

This is going to be a tough one. Anthony Weiner beat out the beloved Chris Christie with nearly 55 percent of the vote. We guess there’s nothing quite as salacious, and maddening, as a good Twitter sexting scandal with such massive political ramifications. Why Dinesh D’Souza is still in the running and Rob Ford is not appalls us. Ford was the most brazen politician of our generation — twice caught smoking crack cocaine on camera and still refusing to resign from his job as the mayor of Toronto. Campaign finance fraud is child’s play in comparison to that kind of party!

Seriously But Not Literally: (1) Rudy Giuliani vs. (3) Paul Manafort

Rudy won big against the evangelical Pandora’s box that is Jerry Falwell, Jr., pulling off 77 percent of the vote. That pits Rudy up against Paul Manafort ina  fascinating match-up. Each is a Ukraine-connected GOP operative who tried to pull a series of astoundingly shady moves to get Trump elected. But who did it best? Will America’s wettest mayor, Giuliani — leering, aggressive and googly-eyed — bring the right sort of freneticism to win the day? Or will it be the comparatively chill Paul Manafort? He may be the more personally damaged, thanks to charges stemming from special counsel Robert Mueller’s probe. But his $15,000 ostrich skin coat is arguably his most egregious crime.

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