Julieanne Smolinski Votes: The 2013 Golden Duke Awards

Julieanne Smolinski is a writer, performer and the genius behind @BoobsRadley

Best Scandal — General Interest

Bob “I Didn’t Know Women Don’t Like Being Sexually Harassed And They Really Should Have Said Something” Filner

Look, I love a dark horse. We all do — and for one of our neighbors to the north to out-lie, out-spin, and out-crack-smoke our politicians is, I have to say, pretty incredible. I mean, it’s Canada. Some of the politically savviest Americans I know still think Manitoba is kind of stuffed pasta dish. And yet here we are, all of us, now knowing the name of a solid one (1) Canadian mayor. It’s impressive. It’s almost cute! These are people who spell “cheque” with a q.

But I don’t teach kindergarten at a Waldorf school in Asheville, so I will not be giving out any awards based on good “first efforts.” I’m going by sheer, Applebesian volume here. Thus, I have to hand this one to Bob Filner, who terrorized at few dozen women with his defiant creepery and rictus, Fleshlight grin.

Sorry, Canada. But to put your employees in headlocks, demand that they work without panties and Dutch-rub their breasts, and then talk about your “ordeal” to the press takes a special type of self-deluded sociopathy: an American one. Better luck next year, Anne of Free Baseles.

Best Scandal — Sex and Generalized Carnality

Anthony Wiener

Again: Rob Ford’s sex brag was impressively horrifying. But I cannot give it an award, as immediately after reading about it, I employed that self-hypnosis technique that Christopher Reeve used to travel back to 1910 in the film “Somewhere in Time.” I now live in an alternate reality in which it never even happened. I’m very happy here.

Instead, I give the honor to the man who filled our punny tabloid headline coffers like so much spongy erectile tissue: Anthony Wiener. He says he’s fully rehabilitated from the heady drug of sending tasteful dong pics, and good for him if he is. But I have to believe that some day, someone will scan a page from an old Wet Seal catalogue, name it Brianna and give it the Twitter handle @CinnamonVonG-String so Carlos Danger will return to us once again.

Although, honorable mention to the guy who masturbated out the window.

Best Scandal — Local Venue

West Virginia’s Mingo County administrators

Guys, West Virginia has so little. It’s the Other Virginia. Half of the people down there still look like extras from “Silkwood.” Their scandals involve actual moonshine, for God’s sake. I’m sick of these Fords and Filners bogarting the spotlight. Who are you, the Daniel Day Lewis of smoking crack and groping people? No. Let’s give this one to the underdog. Take it home and cherish it, Mingo County, a name I still cannot get over. It sounds like a lazy eyed giant who comes to tow your car after you drive over a broken jug while only passing through — where else? — West Virginia.

Meritorious Achievement in The Crazy

Rep. Steve King (R-IA)

Technology always outpaces the new etiquette it necessitates, which means it’s easier than ever to say something truly lamentable to a truly massive volume of people.

At least, that’s what I read in a hilarious editorial some obscenely old person wrote in the New York Times. Cell Phones: they’re bad! Anyhow, a lot of politicians said insane f–king things this year. Trying to pick a winner would be like trying to choose which one of your awful dumb children is the most awful and dumbest.

Thankfully, I was able to break the tie by making up a ’70-style love ballad called “Cannabis Flor,” about a beautiful marijuana-toting is immigrant with cantaloupe calves. If anybody has Steve King’s voicemail, let me know so I can sing it for him, in this fun Neil Diamond voice I’ve been practicing.

The Year In Derp

Rick Santorum

Oh, Santorum, you drawling simpleton. You win, for your frothy mix of au courant inanity and old-timey bigotry.

Outstanding Achievement In Corruption-based Chutzpah

Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ)

People do crazy things for money and drugs all the time, but shutting down toll lanes to get revenge on somebody who was kinda mean to you? That is some “Boardwalk Empire” shit, Chris Christie, and I salute you for it.

Best Scandal By A Non-Politician

Alec Baldwin

I am probably the only person in the world who does not care for Beyoncé, and I sincerely think Paula Deen has some kind of royal-icing induced dementia.

But Alec Baldwin, casually gaybashing? Unacceptable. You are on the prestigious Microsoft and National Broadcasting Company Channel, sir. I take special, personal umbrage with anybody who has ever received oral sex using cocksucker as a pejorative. Not on my watch, Baldwin. Millions and millions of gay children saw “Notting Hill.” I mean, how dare you.

See the full list of nominees here.

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