On Monday you met the Republican presidential candidates who, try as they might, just couldn’t make it to the field in the preposterously expensive (and often equally silly) tryout process that is the earliest phase of the primary process.
Today we have the candidates who got to suit up, but we think are still unlikely to get off the bench.
To the scorecard…
Round 2 — The Minor Leagues
1. Herman Cain
Yes, the current frontrunner for the GOP nomination is on the top of the list of candidates we think are really playing at the back of the pack. Why? Well, beyond the fact that Cain has no real campaign to speak of, he’s also swung and missed at everything that’s come his way since he took over the top spot in polling.
So far, there’s been the terrible mess Cain’s signature 9-9-9 tax plan has become since it got national attention, the total freaking out of the social conservative right Cain’s neatly pulled off over the last week and his continued utter lack of interest in foreign policy.
Karl Rove says Cain is done. But then again Rove said the same thing about Christine O’Donnell and we know how that turned out.
Player Vitals
Entered the race: May 21, 2011
Best moment: “9-9-9”
Worst Moment: “9-9-9”
Best Quote: “9-9-9”
Endorsed by God?: “God’s been in this from the beginning.”
TPM Grade: A+. Among the people who most likely will not get the Republican nomination, Cain is showing the rest how it’s done.
2. Michele Bachmann
Bachmann, the tea party superstar from Minnesota, came into the race with a bang. She then saw her campaign collapse shortly thereafter.
Bachmann has failed to grab the support of either of her natural bases. Tea party types seem to be flocking to Cain, while the religious conservatives who she’s been close to since before there was a tea party don’t seem too interested anymore.
On that rickety foundation, Bachmann built a campaign that is much more soap opera script (or SNL sketch) than halfway credible political organization.
Player Vitals
Entered the race: June 13, 2011
Best moment: Winning the Ames Straw Poll
Worst Moment: Every other moment
Best Quote: “Before we get started, let’s all say ‘Happy Birthday’ to Elvis Presley today.”
Endorsed by God?: “I can tell you, yes, I’ve had that calling and that tugging on my heart that this is the right thing to do.”
TPM Grade: D. Honestly, no one expected Bachmann to get the nomination, but no one expected she’d lose tea partiers.
3. Newt Gingrich
Hey remember when the guy who had to resign from Congress after he took the Republican majority down an unpopular rabbit hole of impeachment cut an ad with Nancy Pelosi about the dangers of global warming a few years later and then decided to run for the Republican presidential nomination?
Gingrich is living that dream right now.
Player Vitals
Entered the race: May 11, 2011
Best moment: “If you want to put people in jail, you ought to start with Barney Frank and Chris Dodd.”
Worst Moment: “I don’t think right-wing social engineering is any more desirable than left-wing social engineering.”
Best Quote: “You should really go home and think about why you would even ask that today.”
Endorsed by God?: “There is now a convention in scientific publications to replace Anno Domini (AD) with common era (CE). This is an entirely artificial and intellectually incoherent dating system. There is no common era.”
TPM Grade: C+. Polls show Gingrich is starting to turn things around a bit, and it seems likely that he’ll emerge from the primary race without alienating the entire GOP which was not something you could say a few months ago.
4. Ron Paul
Not this year, Mr. Paul. Though he still commands an army of libertarian minions ready to win him straw poll after straw poll, Paul has failed to connect in most polling because he’s become a little too popular. The issues that defined him — destroying The Fed, eliminating government agencies wholesale, etc — entered the GOP mainstream thanks to the tea party and now Paul is on the sidelines watching the rest of the candidates fight about positions that used to be his alone.
Player Vitals
Entered the race: May 13, 2011
Best moment: Yelling “heroin” in a crowded theater
Worst Moment: Having to wait for the crowd to finish calling for the uninsured to be left to die before getting to answer a question
Best Quote: Would you have voted against the Civil Rights Act? “Yeah.”
Endorsed by God?: Does God drink raw milk?
TPM Grade: In a pass/fail system, Paul gets a pass. It’s hard to give him a letter grade when everyone else has stolen his homework.
