"The first time I saw child pornography was during a search for music on a peer-to-peer network. I wasn’t seeking it but I didn’t turn away when I saw it. Until that moment, the only place I’d seen these sorts of images was in my mind," the letter said. "I found myself drawn to videos that matched my own childhood abuse. It’s painful and humiliating to admit to myself, let alone the whole world, but I pictured myself as a child in the image or video."
An introduction accompanying the note on the website said it was published in the hope it could "help just one person who is suffering in silence." The introduction also criticized coverage of Loskarn's case as a "media frenzy, with what appeared to be the goal of destroying his reputation beyond repair."
Records show the "Last Message" website was created on Monday by someone using the name and address of Loskarn's father, Charles.
Politico said it separately "obtained the letter on Monday afternoon but planned to delay publishing a story until Tuesday in an effort to find out more regarding the circumstances surrounding it." Politico attributed the site and the introduction to Gay Loskarn.
Ryan Loskarn was the chief of staff for Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) prior to his December arrest on charges of possession and distribution of child pornography. Loskarn was removed from Alexander's payroll following his arrest.
"The news coverage of my spectacular fall makes it impossible for me to crawl in a hole and disappear. I’ve hurt every single human being I’ve ever known and the details of my shame are preserved on the internet for all time. There is no escape," the letter said. "My family has been wounded beyond description. My former boss and colleagues had their trust broken and their names dragged through the mud for no reason other than association. Friends’ question whether they ever really knew me."
Loskarn faced decades in prison, but court documents indicated he was working on a possible plea deal. He was found dead Thursday afternoon and law enforcement officials said preliminary investigation indicated a suicide.