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It is two years later.
I was there that day and addressing what happened has been a major part of my life ever since. On the ground at the Capitol, it was instantly apparent how deadly it could have been and how dangerous it was for the country. It was also unmistakably organized.
In the weeks and months after the attack, I focused on doing all I could to expose the highest levels of that coordination. Even as I busied myself, I could feel how much the experience of being there had shaken me. In recent years, I have covered a lot of political violence. That comes with a gnawing worry about the state and stability of our country, but January 6 added something else.
I spent hours that day on edge, worried shots would break out, that one of the incendiary devices being tossed would strike me, or that the press of the crowd would turn fatal. It wasn’t just fear of a stampede. I was worried the people around me would realize I was a reporter and turn on me. As I streamed, I hid my press badge and tried to keep the moments where I identified myself to the audience discrete. At one point, I stood with a colleague as people hurled vile sexual slurs at her. I was keenly aware that we could be targets too.
It’s not healthy to carry that kind of fear. Our bodies aren’t meant to spend hours actively worried about being smashed or shot. Our minds are not meant to watch the institutions that are the core of our society literally get ransacked.
For some time afterward, I felt the affects of that fear. I sometimes seized up and braced for sudden impacts out of nowhere. I drank. I was angry at a world that didn’t seem to be paying enough attention to a clear and present threat. I also worked.
As this day approached, I realized I was upset about it. It’s funny because I don’t have a very distinct memory of the first anniversary. I went through my camera roll and saw that I went to the Capitol at night. I wanted to be there again. As far as I can remember, it was a pretty nice day and a good moment.
This anniversary feels different. It feels worse.
I guess that’s because — after a book and well over a dozen stories — my work investigating the attack is winding down. The political investigation into the attack has also wrapped up. In every sense, we are moving on from what happened that day.
At the same time, getting beyond January 6 doesn’t feel like a relief as much as it might. There are still so many unanswered questions. The Capitol bomber has not been caught. While hundreds of the people who heeded a call from Washington to come and fight the election have been arrested, it’s not clear what punishment President Trump and the other political leaders who brought them there will face. Most importantly, it’s not clear that we as a people have realized how violent and fragile our political system has become.
Two years later, we are moving on from January 6. Perhaps we shouldn’t be.
