Jon Stewart’s Epic Rant On What Rick Perry Would Do To The America He’s ‘In Love’ With (VIDEO)

Jon Stewart
Start your day with TPM.
Sign up for the Morning Memo newsletter

Texas Gov. and newly minted Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry says voters should want a president who’s passionate about America, even in love with America.

Exactly, Jon Stewart said Tuesday night — in his own way.

“You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America’s hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn,” Stewart said, in his best southern drawl. “Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm’s cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can’t, their eyes are transfixed.”

“I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will fuck the shit out of America,” Stewart went on, a bit beside himself.

That was awkward, Stewart admitted, before saying Perry might want to “dial down the Texas” a little bit.

“You’re already at Yosemite Sam levels,” Stewart said. “You gotta dial it back to Walker Texas Ranger or Coach Taylor territory.”

Watch the video:

Latest News
Comments
Masthead Masthead
Founder & Editor-in-Chief:
Executive Editor:
Managing Editor:
Associate Editor:
Editor at Large:
General Counsel:
Publisher:
Head of Product:
Director of Technology:
Associate Publisher:
Front End Developer:
Senior Designer: