A Muckraker Tribute to the FallenWell, the American people certainly gave a what-for to scandal-plagued incumbents last night, as their votes and the media’s exit polls showed. At least nine mucked-up politicos from the Schemin’ 109th got strapped to a raft, metaphorically speaking, and pushed out to sea by an angry electorate. For us rakers, it’s a bittersweet moment.
Some we will miss: Rep. Katherine Harris (R-FL), who lost her kamikaze bid for a Florida Senate seat, won’t be around when we need her anymore. Also missed will be the Entertainer himself, Rep. Curt Weldon (R-PA), who lit up our days and spiced up our nights with paranoid conspiracies and FBI raids. It’s true, Curt: not only are they all out to get you, they just got you.
Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), whose backers attempted literally every cheap or dirty trick in the book, will also leave a hole in our hearts. (It was sad to see his son crying on national television last night during his dad’s concession speech, wasn’t it?)
The absence of others won’t be so remarked-upon in the Muckraker office. Rep. Charles Taylor (R-NC), an almost cartoonish embodiment of the perpetually cranky, self-interested banker, was never much fun — except when he was trying to explain when a fundraiser isn’t a fundraiser. Likewise the Abramoff-philiac Rep. Richard Pombo (R-CA), whose haircut and mustache were oftentimes more interesting than his ties to the disgraced lobbyist. Rep. J.D. Hayworth (R-AZ), also a Friend of Jack, never really got our eyebrows wiggling, either. And Rep. Jim Ryun (R-KS), who made a play for our affections with a shady house deal, never really followed through.
We will miss the beater-and-choker crowd, namely Reps. Don Sherwood (R-PA) and John Sweeney (R-NY). Though our tastes run to the more complex and refined scandals, spousal abuse holds our attention, especially when folks attempt comical cover-ups.
In Montana, voters attempted to kick out Sen. Conrad Burns (R), whose Abramoff ties were as many and colorful as the statesman’s favorite colloquialisms. But, as befits a man who was raised by wolves in the crawl space beneath his family’s rustic cabin (or something like that — it’s in his stump speech), he’s not giving up so easily, forcing his tight election into a lengthy recount. So we’ll save our tearful goodbye.
Of course, we saved a few words for those who couldn’t be with us today but are certainly here in spirit: former House majority leader Tom DeLay (R), whom history may well view as the kingpin in one of the most diversely corrupt Congresses of modern times; former Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL), whose prediliction for pubescents ruined whatever chances the GOP had of saving face in these midterms; and former Rep. Bob Ney (R-OH), the only sitting congressman from the 109th to be sentenced for a felony. And of course, one of our patron saints, former Rep. Duke Cunningham, still living off the taxpayer, only now in an orange jumpsuit.
And finally, we’d be remiss if we didn’t note that voters in a couple states didn’t seem to mind corruption if it wore a blue dress instead of red: voters in West Virginia overwhelmingly re-elected Rep. Alan Mollohan (D), despite an FBI investigation into a $250 million corruption racket he’s allegedly central to. And in Louisiana, Rep. William “Dollar Bill” Jefferson (D) survived his general election, making it to a run-off vote with another top contender, though his odds aren’t good.
What will the 110th Congress bring? More muck, we hope. The FBI’s anti-corruption squad is bigger than ever and roaming the Hill, and Democratic congressional investigators are just cracking their knuckles and getting out their subpoena forms. Our muck rakes mayn’t be fit for service anymore — we’ll likely need shovels, don’t you think?
