TPM is pleased to announce the winners of the Second Annual Golden Dukes! The Golden Dukes are given in recognition great accomplishments in muckiness including acts of venal corruption, outstanding self-inflicted losses of dignity, crimes against the republic, bribery, exposed hypocrisy and generally malevolent governance.
The awards are named in honor of Congressman-turned-inmate Randy “Duke” Cunningham. It’s been a heady few years for Muckraking, what with the meta-Abramoff scandal and so much more. But here at TPM we still believe that Duke is the iconic modern scandal. Few so well combine outlandish corruption, national security, sex, and sheer cartoonish ridiculousness.
First, we asked you to help us choose categories. Then we awaited your nominations. Finally, we turned your choices over to our distinguished panel of judges and waited with baited breath.
And the winners are…
For Sleaziest Campaign Ad: Elizabeth Dole!
Spencer Ackerman: Elizabeth Dole
Susie Bright: Elizabeth Dole
John Dean: John McCain
Hendrik Hertzberg: John McCain
Paul Kiel: Sam Graves
Dahlia Lithwick: Elizabeth Dole
For Best Election Season Fib: Sarah Palin and the Bridge to Nowhere!
Spencer Ackerman: Sarah Palin and the Bridge to Nowhere
Susie Bright: Hillary Clinton
John Dean: Sarah Palin for her entire campaign trail experience
Hendrik Hertzberg: Sarah Palin for her entire campaign trail experience
Paul Kiel: Sarah Palin and the Bridge to Nowhere
Dahlia Lithwick: Sarah Palin and the Bridge to Nowhere
For Outstanding Achievement in Corruption-based Chutzpah: Rod Blagojevich!
Spencer Ackerman: Rod Blagojevich
Susie Bright: Ted Stevens
John Dean: Ted Stevens
Hendrik Hertzberg: Vito Fossella
Paul Kiel: Rod Blagojevich
Dahlia Lithwick: Rod Blagojevich
For Best Scandal — Sex and Generalized Carnality: John Edwards!
Spencer Ackerman: John Edwards
Susie Bright: John Edwards
John Dean: Eliot Spitzer
Hendrik Hertzberg: Mike Carona
Paul Kiel: Eliot Spitzer
Dahlia Lithwick: John Edwards
For Best Scandal — Local Venue: Kwame Kilpatrick!
Spencer Ackerman: Steven Lipski
Susie Bright: Bill Sizemore (second choice tie-breaker: Kwame Kilpatrick)
John Dean: Kwame Kilpatrick
Hendrik Hertzberg: Steven Lipski
Paul Kiel: Kwame Kilpatrick
Dahlia Lithwick: Diane Wilkerson
For Best Scandal — General Interest: George W. Bush!
Spencer Ackerman: George W. Bush
Susie Bright: George W. Bush
John Dean: Sarah Palin
Hendrik Hertzberg: George W. Bush
Paul Kiel: Rod Blagojevich
Dahlia Lithwick: Sarah Palin
Here are the e-mails we received from the judges, explaining the rationale behind their choices:
Spencer Ackerman:
1. Dole v. Hagan. The sleaziness of the ad is as vile as the attack on athiests is as pathetically retro. People in North Carolina actually believe the athiests are coming to take the name of YHWH off of our currency? Not enough of them, apparently.
2. Graves “San Francisco Values.” Would have won if it had gone all-out and showed two men dancing together — but bonus points for making the homosexual black! This man is clearly closeted.
3. McCain “Obama pedophile.” Well, McCain will have other chances to win. Oh, wait…
1. Palin and the Bridge to Nowhere. The only thing admirable about Sarah Palin is her sheer determination to prove that an oft-repeated lie will be embraced. And by “admirable” I mean “Ted Stevens-esque.”
2. Mitt Romney bow-out, but only because I want the terrorists to win. And to get an important job in Terrorist America!
3. Hillary Clinton in Bosnia. What I wouldn’t give to see Mark Penn’s field research on this.
Outstanding Achievement in Corruption-based Chutzpah
1. Blagojevich. No real close second. I even created the song to prove it.
2. Ted Stevens. Oh Ted. What a year you’re having. In any other year, you’d have this award in the bag, but Rod Blagojevich has surpassed even your high standards. On the one hand, you’re forgotten; but on the other, you’re… forgotten.
3. Vito Fossella. But that’s just my New Yorker provincialism. There really can’t be a bronze medal in this category this year.
Best Scandal — Sex and Generalized Carnality
1. John Edwards. More repugnant the more you think about it. If only Barack Obama can appoint Elizabeth to something. May we never hear from this man ever again, if for no other reason because everyone has to admit that Mickey Kaus was right about something.
2. Eliot Spitzer. He gave Tony Yayo, the worst rapper in G-Unit, the opportunity to deliver the mot-juste “From 1 to 10, baby girl off the Richter/ But I ain’t trickin’, I ain’t Eliot Spitzer.”
3. Gregory Smith. I hate cocaine and everyone who does it.
1. Steven Lipski, for urinating on a Grateful Dead cover band. I can honestly say I wish I was this man.
2. Bill Sizemore. This sounds serious.
3. Kwame Kilpatrick. Everyone knows booty-texts inevitably become public.
Best Scandal — General Interest
1. Bush. Seriously, what will our careers be without him?
2. Blago. My understanding is he actually had a pretty progressive record early on! How is it I haven’t read about it in National Review yet?
3. Palin. Please, please, please, please, PLEASE let the GOP nominate this woman in four years. This year was just a taste. I want the smorgasbord. The Republican Party will shrink so small you’ll be able to — as the saying goes — drown it in a bathtub.
So much fun, guys. I hope I wasn’t your only holdout; sorry if I was.
Susie Bright
Special Achievement Award
I would like to echo your TPM reader suggestion that Sarah Palin deserves an Achievement Award all to herself.
Not since Shirley Temple burst forth in “The Good Ship Lollipop” have we seen such a prodigious ingenue. Palin’s Gothic family life, Alaska-size fibs, unshakable corruption, lunatic religiosity- all in one gorgeous package made for TV… Can’t you at least send her a t-shirt?
And don’t ask for it back!
1. Sarah Palin, Uber Alles
The next time I go to San Francisco- or get an abortion- I’m going to whip out my spandex glitter pants and boogie on down to whatever disco floor Sam Graves concocted for his campaign commercial against Kay Barnes. What a laff riot!
However, for sheer power and prize-winning impact, I will choose the Elizabeth Dole attack on “Godless Atheism” as the ultimate barn-burner. What makes this commercial extraordinary, beyond its slander against her opponent, is that it elevates “not believing in God” to the big-time in American politicking. That hasn’t happened in existential dog years. It was only 1961 that self-proclaimed atheists were allowed to sit on juries or serve in public office in every state in the union. Atheists really ARE angry about Bush’s “divine mission”- and this commercial, in its foaming lunacy, proves that godless heathens are making an impact. As a recovering Irish Catholic, I couldn’t be more thrilled!
Honorable Mention: That evil kindergarten sex teacher, Barack Obama.
1. Elizabeth Dole
2. Sam Graves
3. John McCain
The word “fib” indicates that one has some knowledge that the truth is being stretched, as opposed to pure cluelessness or the messianic zeal of the True Believer.
Hillary Clinton, therefore, is the only viable candidate in this category. I respect her enough to believe she knows she wasn’t G.I. Jane in Bosnia, but she has the political penchant for hyperbole and braggadocio. It was foolish of her to think she wouldn’t get caught. Like Bush, she is under the impression that she is “pre-YouTube” simply by dint of her age.
By comparison, in this category, McCain doesn’t know if the economy is strong, weak, or needs more nutmeg. Palin gets special recordings from God slipped under her pillow, and as I said, deserves her own statuette.
1. Hillary
2. Mitty
3. Johnny
Outstanding Achievement in Corruption-based Chutzpah
The entire Bush/Cheney Kleptocracy has this one, dead to rights. What requires more chutzpah than to take a country’s wealth, resources, and reputation and run it into the crapper to enrich a handful of your cronies? Dick Cheney’s recent “office-exit” interviews are mind-boggling. No remorse for the blood on your hands is what I would call the ultimate corruption.
Out of the TPM candidates, I’ll take Ted Stevens first, since he is the most powerful and consequently wreaked the most damage. Rod is hilarious, but such an amateur- a mere dandelion fluff compared to Stevens. Give him a few years. I wasn’t aware of Edward “Naughty” Nottingham before this contest, but he’s irresistible trying to muscle a paralyzed woman out of her handicapped parking space. He reminds me of people I meet on the road every day.
1. Teddy
2. Roddy
3. Naughty
Best Scandal — Sex and Generalized Carnality
We don’t have the quality of X-rated hypocrisy in this category that we enjoyed in 2007, with the trifecta of Larry Craig, David Vitter, and Bob Allen. Where are our Kinky Kristian Warriors this year? Vanilla heterosexual adultery seems like kinda a snooze. But given what I’ve got…
I’ll hand the big Dukey to John Edwards- though not because of the insult to his wife, which was grievous but sadly ordinary. No, people do terrible things when cancer hits their family- there should be a warning brochure on the subject. The enormity of Edwards’ hubris is that he led millions of people on a wild goose chase as their chosen “progressive” candidate; he had a chance. And he thought what the Democratic Party needed right now was a Presidential Philanderer? Is he on Clinton Quaaludes? If he had slapped each of his supporters in the face, he couldn’t have done more damage.
I’ll take Gregory Smith next, as a run-of-the-mill example of how Bush’s policies and appointments destroyed any semblance of good government. What a disgrace.
I guess Eliot Spitzer gets Door Number 3, but I always take it for granted that the Top Prosecutors are embedded with Top Service Providers. I mean, who else can relate to them?
1. Edwards
2. Smith
3. Spitzer
This is my favorite category- and the most difficult to judge. Humor plays such a large role! If “Best” means “Best Buffoon,” I don’t know which Deadhead to pick: Mayor Funky’s wife or The Pisser from New Jersey.
But I give the big Dukey with more gravitas. If malicious destruction of working people’s lives got a particle of respect in this country, then Bill Sizemore would be a household name. His union busting is extraordinary… does he think workers should be shackled to the wheel and given company script for canned goods? How despicable. He’s a crook, with a theology- and there’s nothing more dangerous.
I’ll give Kwame the second slot, because of his Titanic disrespect and indifference to the tenacious citizens of Detroit, who’ve suffered more fools and plunderers than anyone should be asked to bear.
1. Sizemore
2. Kilpatrick
3. Funk by a hair.
Best Scandal — General Interest
1. Bush/Cheney
1. Bush/Cheney
1. Bush/Cheney
Everyone else is just playing “follow the leader.”
John Dean
Vote and note of John Dean:
My credentials to judge scandal are unique, not to mention thin. As a political junkie, I am very familiar with the stories and media attention relating to all those who have been nominated. I appreciate, however, that I was (for a time) on the wrong side of the Watergate scandal, although I did what I could to end it and clean up the mess. Suffice it to say I claim no moral authority entitling me to pass judgment on others. Based on personal experience and years of study, nonetheless, I do understand the why and how and significance of scandals. No student of scandals explains them better than University of Cambridge Professor John B. Thompson, particularly his Political Scandal: Power and Visibility in the Media Age (which can be opened on Amazon). Thompson shows it is the collective media that makes scandals large and lasting, or small and passing. In short, scandals today are “mediated.” In addition, they fall in phases, and many of the nominated scandals are in different stages. Thus, my votes are an effort to rank the nominees by the degree of outrage, foreboding and attention I found in the myriad media I follow (on both the right and left), while considering the phase of the scandal. Needless to say, my voting process was a highly subjective undertaking.
(1) John McCain.
(2) Elizabeth Dole.
(3) Saxby Chambliss.
(1) Sarah Palin.
(2) Hillary Clinton.
(3) Mitt Romney.
Outstanding Achievement in Corruption-based Chutzpah
(1) Ted Stevens.
(2) Rod Blagojevich.
(3) Edward Nottingham.
Best Scandal — Sex and Generalized Carnality
(1) Eliot Spitzer.
(2) John Edwards.
(3) Tim Mahoney.
(1), (2) and (3) Kwame Kilpatrick.
Best Scandal — General Interest
(1) Sarah Palin.
(2) Rod Blagojevich.
(3) Ted Stevens.
Hendrik Hertzberg:
1. John McCain
2. Elizabeth Dole
3. Sam Graves
McCain gets extra points for the fact that the stakes were the presidency and for the shocking contrast of his saccharine “I’m John McCain and I approve this message” at the end. Dole is a standout for sheer cynicism and boob bait. Graves deserves recognition for “Girls Gone Wild” VHS-porn-level production values.
1. Sarah Palin for overall campaign lies
2. Romney
3. Palin for bridge to nowhere
McCain “economy is sound” gaffe was sincere, which is scarier than a fib but does not really qualify as one. I’m convinced that Hillary genuinely misremembered.
Outstanding Achievement in Corruption-based Chutzpah
1. Vito Fossella
2. Palin
3. Blagojevich
It’s the accretion effect — mistress + love child + DUI + too cheap to call a cab — that puts Fossella over the top for me.
Palin scores on account of the resonance with the rest of her tacky “family values” — Bristol knocked up, the “redneck” boyfriend, the shotgun wedding still hanging fire, the OxyCondin bust, the son given the choice of jail or the Army, the use of the Down syndrome baby as a pro-life prop after Mom had made the “choice” of risking the baby’s life by flying back to Alaska after her water broke.
Best Scandal — Sex and Generalized Carnality
1. Carona
2. Mahoney
3. Gibbons
If we must have sex scandals, they ought to be lighthearted and free of draconian punishments. Ideally, they shouldn’t exist at all, except as adjuncts to something else scandalous. And I don’t mean “raises questions” about the poor bastard’s “judgment.” That’s circular bullshit. Even in Edwards’s case, I don’t see the logic. If he really does have lousy judgment, plenty of non-sexual examples ought to be adducible from his public record.
On this one I basically voted for the most obscure cases, on the grounds that people like Spitzer and Edwards had more to lose and were therefore treated more unfairly. I realize that I am being perverse and not getting with the spirit of the category. Therefore, I authorize you to ignore my choices in this category. I mean that.
1. Lipski
2. Wilkerson
3. Sizemore
Win, place, and show: Lipski wins for creating a multi-level metaphor, reaching Bill Ayers-level heights of boomer narcissism while dispaying Cheney-like contempt for constituents. Wilkerson places for noirish pulp-magazine traditionalism. Sizemore shows for proving that anti-union fanaticism can be dangerous to your mental health.
Best Scandal — General Interest
1. Bush
2. Palin
3. Stevens
No one can match Bush’s global reach or amount of suffering inflicted. A bloody, unnecessary war, America’s embrace of torture, eight years of abetting the climate catastrophe, an d now, a he exits, a worldwide economic depression — this pathetic mediocrity has been a one-man Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Though perhaps the highest honors should go to the five Supreme Court “justices” who staged the coup d’etat that put him in office against the clearly expressed wishes of the American people.
Paul Kiel
I have to go with Sam Graves’ Ode to Gay Culture. It is not only sleazy, but self-consciously sleazy and more than a little afraid of its subject. All of the buzz words are here: San Francisco values, “Big City Mayor” Kay Barnes, “west coast liberals.” But buzz words won’t suffice, and so the centerpiece of the ad is a trio of dancing sodomites. It’s obvious shorthand for the sort of thing a pious Missourian might accidentally catch on TV: a snippet from a gay pride parade on the news, maybe, or a split-second view of the wrong channel while flipping around.
But in evoking sin, Graves’ sleaze artists couldn’t bring themselves to portray an actual pair of homosexuals. Instead, we get a man sandwiched between two tarts. Doing most of the work is the musclebound guy’s gay get-up: a sleeveless canary yellow shirt with cowboy hat — and to dispel any possible confusion that he’s just come back from wrangling cattle, he’s black. The multiracial nature of the orgy, in fact, is a key signal that something’s not right with this picture. As for his companions, I know they’re supposed to appear loose, but I can’t get over the fact that they’re decked out like 1986 club goers, as dimly imagined by a church matron.
From my big city perspective here in New York, it’s a laughable tableau. But no doubt Graves and his producers thought it would strike his constituents’ conscience to the core.
Liddy Dole’s desperate strike at that “godless” Sunday school teacher she was running against is a close second.
And because it’s such a fine example of distorting an opponent’s legislative record, third is John McCain’s Kindergarten ad.
For sheer scope, you can’t beat Palin’s Bridge to Nowhere fib. Like a prism, it revealed a new facet with each examination. Briefly, here’s my accounting of, if not all, then most of the distortions hidden in the fib.
Her statement was: “I told Congress, ‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ on that bridge to nowhere. If our state wanted a bridge, I said we’d build it ourselves.”
1) In fact, she told Congress nothing. The $223 million in earmarks for the bridge were secured in 2005, before Palin took office. The fight then over the earmarks was in Congress, and in his fight against the earmarks, Sen. Tom Coburn had succeeded in stripping the earmarks from the bridge project, but all the money had still gone to Alaska.
2) Once the money went to Alaska, it stayed in Alaska. Palin did not send any of the money back.
3) Palin had enthusiastically supported the project during her run for governor in 2006.
4) Palin eventually acknowledged in 2007 that there would never be enough money to complete the $400 million bridge project (they’d need more earmarks for that). So she directed her DOT to find a cheaper way to connect tiny Ketchikan to almost uninhabitated Gravina Island. But Alaska would not be doing it “themselves.” $73 million of the earmarked money was set aside for the cheaper solution (a state-of-the-art ferry).
5) Because otherwise she would have had to send the money back to Congress, she allowed one part of the $400 million bridge project to continue on: a $26 million, 3.2 mile gravel access road to the bridge. Of course, without the bridge, the road merely leads to an empty bit of beach. It’s a textbook case of wasted earmark dollars. When questioned about it, Palin’s flack compounded the original fib, falsely claiming that the governor had had no choice.
Because Mitt Romney is so close to the heart of anyone who’s worked at TPM (I spent many happy hours toiling on our Mitt o’Lantern), he comes in second.
Third: Hillary’s brush with death.
Outstanding Achievement in Corruption-based Chutzpah
Blago, hands down. It’s not only the scheme, but the frankness with which Blago approached the task that shows chutzpah worthy of acclaim and award. The conference calls, strategy sessions, careful evaluations of the alternatives: here was an executive following all the principles of good decision making. There’s rarely a hint of discretion, but when he feels the need, he shows a mafioso’s talent for general expression: there’s talk of “this thing,” of “stuff,” of the desire that there not be “fingerprints,” of what to do if “things get hot.” Clearly Blago knew what his business was.
Blago also gets points for his unfolding performance of defiant chutzpah in the aftermath of the criminal complaint. The whole world’s against him, and he’s standing strong.
Second? I guess it’s gotta be Fossella, although it does seem like having his mistress pick him up after his DWI exhibits stupidity more than chutzpah. Still: for a public figure to have a second family does take some seriously meritorious chutzpah.
Perhaps I’ve been jaundiced by the accomplished stonewalling of the Bush administration, but Palin’s troopergate performance is a distant third for me.
Best Scandal — Sex and Generalized Carnality
A close call between Edwards and Spitzer. On Edwards’ side, you have the sheer audacity of the affair, his deployment of the remission defense, Rielle Hunter’s astrology and auras. On Spitzer’s, you’ve got the shock of Mr. Law laundering money and dealing with a series of logistical difficulties in order to get his hooker to D.C., in order to have (unprotected) sex with her. “Kristen’s” resulting celebrity (will she ever get that singing career off the ground?) is another qualifier.
In the end, I go with Spitzer. Having his wife stand with him at that press conference was a master touch.
Third: Mahoney. He had a tough act to follow in Mark Foley, but he did all right.
Is there any doubt? Kwame Kilpatrick got Detroit’s city council to unknowingly pay millions in hush money to silence whistleblowers who were alleging he’d misused public resources. That’s quite a coup. And the scandal has it all: there’s sex, lying, mulitple alleged crimes, invocations of God (Kwame has a prophet’s relationship with the Almighty).
Kwame also gave us a slogan sure to endure: “Busted is what you see!” That’s what he texted his chief of staff and mistress when she worried that his security detail might have heard the amorous noises emanating from his hotel room last night. “So we are officially busted!” she wrote. He responded: “Damn that. Never busted. Busted is what you see!” Unfortunately, the text messages were sent over city devices, and despite Kilpatrick’s canny efforts to keep them under wraps, everyone eventually saw them, and he was seriously busted.
I might even go so far as to suggest that the Local Venue award be henceforth dubbed The Kwame Kilpatrick Award. Just an idea.
Second: Diane Wilkerson. Third: Lipski gets points for style.
Best Scandal — General Interest
It really was between Kwame and Blago for me. In the end, Blago takes it, for giving us the most enduring political recording since the Nixon tapes. Of course, we’ll have to wait for the trial to hear the actual audio, but I have no doubt that it will live up to its billing.
Third: Palin.
Dahlia Lithwick
Liddy Dole. There’s something about calling someone a pedophile or appeaser-of-pedophiles that is almost de riguer in campaign ads. But godless people taking godless money from other godless people? Oh my god. Its apocalyptic.
Palin for Bridge To Nowhere. There are exaggerations (Hillary). There is rotten timing (McCain). There is delusion (Mitt). But for balls-out shameless fibbery the Bridge to Nowhere was pure gold
Outstanding Achievement in Corruption-based Chutzpah
It pains me to give this to Rod because its been chewed to death. But putting a senate seat on ebay is so much gutsier than putting your plan on ebay
Best Scandal — Sex and Generalized Carnality
I give this to Edwards because he broke so many more hearts than just his family’s. The very definition of a hideous sex scandal has to be when the perpetrator is so un-self knowing he thinks he won’t get caught. And Rielle’s whole auras and crystals thing really is a step up from mere big lips and big boobies.
Diane Wilkerson. Because a bribe aint a bribe til its lifted and separated.
Best Scandal — General Interest
This is a tough call. Some of the other scandals were more scandalous (I’m talking to you Kwame) but I wanna name Sarah Palin because her scandals just kept on giving. In terms of general interest there was simply nobody more interesting than Gov Palin this year. Everything she said did or touch magically morphed into a mini scandal. We couldnt take our eyes off her. But the biggest scandal of all was that she was nominated to the vice presidency. Which makes her the clear winner!